Nickelback made me hate sex and I hope they’re proud of themselves.

I usually avoid Nickelback like the plague, and really can you blame me?  Back when I was in high school I ran the gamut of angsty rock music most teens at the beginning of the 21st century (Korn, Linkin Park, Evanescence, etc).  The thing with angst though is that while you express it most as a teenager, you have more reason to have it when you’re an adult, thus you tend to seek it out less.

So I started seeking out more music that was fun to listen to, and I certainly wouldn’t call Nickelback fun.  I’d call them lumbering, ham-fisted, misogynistic, and mean-spirited, the last of which I can’t forgive in any media I partake in.  Plus after reading his interview in Playboy magazine I’ve pretty much decided Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger IS the biggest douche on the planet.

I have, however, been morbidly fascinated by their recent record “Dark Horse” because it’s produced by Mutt Lange, a man who produced two of my favorite records: “Back in Black” by AC/DC and “Hysteria” by Def Leppard.  You see, in my search for music that was more fun to listen to, I stumbled onto 80’s metal.  Never fear, I have qualifiers when it comes to 80’s metal, so my record collection isn’t now filled with the complete catalogs of Poison, Slaughter, or The Vinnie Vincent Invasion.  It is however filled with a lot of Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, and Roth-era Van Halen.

If you’re looking for a mainline of fun in your earlobe, 80’s metal is the place to go.  And Mutt Lange’s produced some of the best.  Now the same tags I used to described Nickelback (lumbering, ham-fisted, misogynist) could easily apply to AC/DC or Def Leppard, but the difference is those bands aren’t mean-spirited.  In fact the sexism most 80’s metal bands were so known for was so over-the-top that nowadays it seems quaint rather than offensive.  It helped that these bands didn’t take themselves too seriously and set out to just make some pureless mindless fun.

Nickelback is certainly mindless.  Fun?  Not so much.

First off on “Dark Horse” is “Something in Your Mouth”, a charming song about a stripper who gets big tips where she dances because all the guys love her “oral fixation”.  In the song that equals constantly sucking on her thumb, but the double entendre is so thick that cops would wear it under their uniforms to protect themselves from gunfire.

It’s in this first song you see Mutt Lange’s influence, particularly in the lyrics.  The bands Lange produces are known for their songs about hard-lived women all the guys want, something Nickelback was doing already so hey, off to a good start right?  But minus a few squealies and double-tracked vocals they pair it up with Nickelback’s game lumbering rhythms and leaden pace.  I frankly don’t feel like having a big dumb Kaunck with a record contract yelling in my ear about some whore he met.

Next up is “Burn It To The Ground”, which is about getting drunk on whiskey and partying so hard you…well, you know.  I’m not being snarky when I say I thought there was a mistake and I’d just keyed up the first track again, but no this was a different song apparently.  Nevermind it had the same drum beat, similar vocal melody, hell it almost has the same running time.  Suddenly “How You Remind Me of Someday” seemed all the more potent.

“Gotta Be Somebody” thankfully has a different vocal melody (if not a different drum beat), but sadly it’s Nickelback in ballad more, something arguably worse than Nickelback in party rock mode.  I’m glad I don’t listen to rock radio much in my car anymore because I developed pretty swift station-changing reflexes when “Photograph” off Nickelback’s previous record came on, and this song makes me want to see if I can beat my old time of 0.2 seconds.  Lyrics are about Kroeger singing how “there’s gotta be somebody for me out there”, which after singing about drinking and strippers seems a bit insincere.  Last time I checked doesn’t Kroeger have a girlfriend?  Nay a fiancee?  Dude, just go back to your house, she’s right there.

Track four is “I’d Come for You”.  Sheesh, four songs in and we already had two entendres in the title.  At least Spinal Tap was direct with titles like “Big Bottom” or “Sex Farm”.  Another maudlin ballad, not much to say.

“Next Go Round” has kind of a gritty intro, which “Something In Your Mouth” also had.  This very quickly fell back into lumbering mode, so any hope I had about something different was quickly dashed on both occasions.  Way to not surprise your critics guys.  I wish I could tell you what this song is about but I couldn’t understand what the fuck Kroeger was saying and didn’t care enough to look up the lyrics.

“Just to Get High” at least has a more direct title, but it doesn’t go the direction you think.  Rather this is Kroeger’s ode to a friend who got strung out on drugs, and warns people AGAINST getting high.  If only if he’d switched from needles to whiskey shots then Kroeger would be singing his praises.  To quote Bill Hicks (though he meant it sarcastically): “It’s okay to drink your drug”.

“Never Gonna Be Alone” is another ballad.  Sheesh these guys are like the Canadian metal version of Air Supply.  The acoustic guitars fade to the electric ones at the exact moment you expect them to, moving on.

“Shakin’ Hands” has another gritty intro that gives me false hope for something different, and this time it fights the lumbering riffs during the verses for dominance, like a new idea or subtlety was trying to assert itself but was quickly squashed.  Lyrics are about whores.  At least Nickelback supports capitalism.  I’m almost positive they use the same wah solo from Track 2.

Now we have the most direct title yet: “S.E.X.”.  Yes, Nickelback has finally decided to LITERALLY spell it out for you.  According to the chorus “Sex is always the answer”.  Apparently it’s your only lyrical inspiration too Chad.  You’ve ruined sex for me.  I hope you’re proud of yourself.

The chorus effect on the opening chord of “If Today Was Your Last Day” reminded me of “Rooster” by Alice in Chains, doing nothing but reminding me of what I COULD be listening to.  Lyrics are about a friend telling you to live life to your fullest, like I needed these shmucks to tell me.  Apparently this means sleeping with lots of whores to Chad, since he writes so many songs about them.  Catching a dangerous venereal disease sure makes a guy count his blessings.

“This Afternoon”, the last song, opens with laughter.  I want to say they’re laughing at you for buying this shit, but like Michael Bay they’re being sincere so the jokes on everyone involved.  Actually this song is an upbeat acoustic ditty about hanging out with your friends and smoking pot all day.  So booze and pot are okay, but not whatever stuff you were chastising your friend for using on track 6?  I certainly don’t think pot is as bad as coke or heroin, but that’s like telling somebody not to eat McDonald’s and then going to Burger King.  Both are gonna kill you eventually, especially in large doses.

This is pretty much what Nickelback’s songs come down to.  They’re either ballads trying to teach you life lessons, or lumbering rockers about bangin’ some hoes after the show.  You can call their catalog balanced because one type of song makes the other seem less sincere.  I’d be more into their songs about partying and sex (what all good rock is about) if they didn’t seem so damned boring.  And after listening to them I CERTAINLY don’t want to take any life lessons from this tool and his band of fools.

To say I don’t see the appeal of Nickelback would be an understatement.  And to say I don’t know how they’ve sold so many records would be further understatementing.  I don’t blame labels for putting this out, and I don’t blame people for buying it.  Dumb lunkheads are gonna be making records and selling them in droves at Wal-Mart long after I’m gone.  But when I think about how many bands with interesting songs and things to say get ignored in favor of safe pandering crap like this, I can’t help but bang my head against the wall.

My only solace is that this album hasn’t sold as much as their previous record “All the Right Reasons”, which almost went Diamond in the US for Christ’s sake.  But still, selling two million copies is like selling twenty million in today’s shitty record market.  It’s a shame Mutt Lange decided not to bring his fun with him.

Maybe Shania Twain got it in the divorce.

My rating?  Fucking Awful.

Ratings:
5 – Really Good
4 – Pretty Good
3 – Good
2 – Not Very Good
1 – Fucking Awful

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  • Grumpy-grapefruit

    You my friend have fantastic taste in metal !

  • Anon

    Lol

  • Kai

    Well done, way to take one for the team

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