“The Phantom Menace of Rock Albums”

In the last ten years, thanks to the internet making all music easily accessible, it seems most acts are mash-ups or combinations of classic genres.  Pop and rock music has become an inspirational free-for-all, and it’s quite exciting to see people paste together all these parts you normally think wouldn’t go together.  All while creating fun catchy songs.

Coheed & Cambria exemplified this perfectly.  They combined elements of pop, metal, rock (of the progressive variety), and indie to create music that was epic but accessible.  Their “Amory Wars” tale (told in the lyrics through all their albums so far) gave hardcore fans an epic story to follow, but their songs were energetic and catchy enough where casual listeners could be let in.

I should probably state right now that I like C&C in spite of themselves.  The “Amory Wars” story makes no sense and the Image comics depicting it (written by lead singer Claudio Sanchez himself) were lame.  Best I can tell you is the main characters Coheed & Cambria are robots and then are killed by this other robot and their son tries to avenge them but it turns out he’s the Kwisatz Haderach and he has to fight the dark lord Xenu to release some alien souls…oh forget it.

My point is you didn’t have to know this to enjoy C&C’s songs, so you just kind of indulged them as they tried to fit everything in the structure they’d set up.  Apparently the story has ended with the previous album “No World for Tomorrow”, so now we get a prequel to show how it all started in “Year of the Black Rainbow”.

A prequel?  Would that make this the “Phantom Menace” of Coheed & Cambria albums?  Y’know what, I’m gonna end that thought there.

“One” opens with what sounds like an orchestra warming up and delicate piano playing.  I expect haunting intros from Coheed, but this one doesn’t leave much of an impression like their previous ones.  It sounds like a robot whale singing through a sea of flange filters.

“The Broken” is the first proper song, and opens with the same Led Zeppelin march like their past hit “Welcome Home”.  Is Sanchez going “Blah blah blah” at me during the chorus?  I know he’s an overly wordy lyricist but it seems he’s just taking the piss now.  Doesn’t seem so much a song as a mash-up of chants, screams, and guitar squealies.

“Guns of Summer” starts off with lightning fast drums and guitars with some synth growls.  It sounds like Michael Todd’s bass is farting.  The riff in the chorus has hints of vintage Coheed but not enough to make it memorable.

“Here We Are Juggernaut” suffers from the same problem.  It feels like a big wall of white noise with Sanchez’s vocals washed in reverb.  It made the riffs and rhythm a little difficult to discern.  At the end of it I wasn’t sure what I had just listened to.  This isn’t looking good so far.

“Far” opens with reverberating fuzz guitar and programming drum beats.  Sanchez gets a little sweeter here in his singing.  I want to call this a ballad, but it doesn’t have the tenderness of past ballads like “Wake Up”, or the build-up like “Mother Superior”.  In fact this song has no build at all.  It’s the rare “infinity song”, which since it has no build feels like it has no beginning and no end.

“This Shattered Symphony” has more lighting fast guitars and drums, with squawking guitars panned to the left.  You remember when Eddie Van Halen would go at his guitar with a cordless drill to make a real wild-sounding solo?…Yea this is nothing like this.  So far I’m not sure where Coheed is going with this.

“World of Lines” is the first song that approaches a memorable chorus and a memorable guitar riff, sounding almost like classic Coheed.  It’s still way below the standard they’ve set for themselves though.  Used to be you had catchy songs coming out of the wood work.  Did their songs get infested with catchiness termites?

“Made of Nothing (All That I Am)” is certainly an apt title at this point, and maybe should’ve been what they called the album.  So far I haven’t heard one catchy memorable song!  I mean the chorus for this song kinda comes close, but it’s still not quite there.  What the hell?

“Pearl of the Stars” starts out with acoustic guitars and more damn white noise!  Stop it with the white noise!  The electric guitars are washed in reverb again and sound like they might as well be a block down the road.  I suppose this would be a good trance song, and those can be well done (”Disintegration” by The Cure is a great example), but this feels as directionless as anything else.  Claudio sounds like he’s on fucking valium, and the song follows suit.

“In the Flame of Error” catches my attention with it’s opening lyric “I hate everything I’m becoming”.  I know Sanchez is writing this “in character” but considering how sullen, tuneless, and self-loathing this album has sounded so far I’m wondering if he needs a hug and a warm piece of pie.  The drums and guitars are quite furious on this one and feels like we’re getting closer to our goal, but it still feels like spastic thrashing instead of the purposeful songs of the past.

“When Skeletons Live” has a fairly memorable riff.  Everything’s still caked in reverb but it feels like we’re getting somewhere.  This is probably the most memorable song so far, so I guess you could call it my favorite (I guess).

Ugh, I don’t care anymore.  The final track (the title track in fact) “The Black Rainbow” is long, droning, and has too much reverb.  Even when the distortion kicks in it doesn’t up the energy of this song much.  I’m wrapping this up.

What the heck happened Coheed?  Everything I liked about you is NOT on this album.  The catchy riffs, the sing along choruses, the pumped-up energetic rhythms, none of it!  That’s the best way to describe this album: lack of energy.

I’ve heard from a few people that this record gets better on repeats listens, but with Coheed you didn’t NEED to do that.  Their songs were so catchy they grabbed your attention right away and only got better from there.  Even “No World for Tomorrow”, which was a VERY rear-heavy album, had more memorable songs in the first half than this entire record has.

Forget depressed, Claudio sounds like he’s falling asleep while singing.  We can’t even get to the level of suicidally depressing because it’s just so DULL.  You’d fall asleep from boredom before you even got the razor blade close to your wrist.

They finally complete the saga…and ultimately we don’t care.

My rating?  Disappointing.

]]> http://ohgoodie.net/2010/05/25/coheed-cambria-year-of-the-black-rainbow/feed/ 0 http://ohgoodie.net/2010/04/07/slash-friends-review/ http://ohgoodie.net/2010/04/07/slash-friends-review/#comments Wed, 07 Apr 2010 06:37:27 +0000 SPBurke http://ohgoodie.net/?p=548

“I came for Slash, not fucking Fergie!”

I haven’t done this in a while, so let’s just jump right into it!

Slash sure has had a storied career, hasn’t he?  After having been in bands with Axl Rose AND Scott Weiland he can say he’s survived working with the two most whacked out bipolar lead singers in rock music.  He’s nowhere near guitar virtuosos like Steve Vai or Joe Satriani, but if you’ve read his biography or heard him on radio shows he seems like a cool down to earth guy.  So you dig it when you see him in Guitar Hero or he shows up on some random talk show.  There’s no real logic or reason, you’re just happy to see the guy getting work.

And now he’s got his first solo album out, appropriately titled Slash.  Originally this was gonna be called Slash & Friends, which I feel is a more appropriate title, because Slash is going the Carlos Santana route by having a different singer on each song since the chap can’t do it himself.  Which means like the album Supernatural we’re gonna have a lot of fitting combos and a lot of flashes-in-the-pan to move units.

He goes from bipolar singers to a schizophrenic album.  Dude is running the whole mental disorder gamut with his career.

So we start things off with “Ghost” fronted by Cult lead singer Ian Astbury,  a crazy singer who got paid to replace king-of-crazy-singers Jim Morrison in the 21st Century Doors.  Slash sure attracts the loonies.  Slash works this appegiated riff most of the song and the rhythm has a solid strut and groove.  Solid opener.  Short, straight, to the point.

I know I made a Santana comparison, and “Crucify the Dead” has a similar feeling riff.  The Ozzman is the singer for this one, so it sounds a lot like one of his solo songs, but Slash sneaks in some pretty bluesy yet epic sounding riffs in this one.  Alright, we’re stretching out a bit!  This should be interesting.

Hoo boy, spoke too soon.  “Beautiful Dangerous” is sung by Fergie of The Black Eyed Peas.  Because when I think of bad ass rock n’roll, I think of Fergie!  This is the part of the album I was worried about.  She starts off the song with rambling baby talk and it all goes downhill from there.  Fergie continues the proud tradition of Black Eyed Peas tradition of singing non-sensical stupid lyrics that make no sense with her baby voiced singing style.  Seriously, I can’t make out one fucking word she sings in this song.  The riffs wouldn’t be out of place a strip club so let the strippers have it.

“Back From Cali” features Mayfield Four/Alter Bridge singer Myles Kennedy, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy a few Alter Bridge songs, mostly because Kennedy’s a good dependable singer.  But this track feels a bit aimless and I don’t know what to make of it.  Kennedy is touring with Slash behind this record and I think he’s a good choice though.  How he’s gonna pull off the Fergie song I don’t know though.  I doubt he’d OR Slash would look good in hot pants.

Alright, “Promise” features Chris Cornell, one of my favorite singers.  I’m kinda sad this song isn’t in Drop D like his Soundgarden classics, instead it has the folksy moods Audioslave found themselves indulging in during their later records.  Not a bad song though.  If Cornell doesn’t fuck up the Soundgarden reunion I may just forgive him for releasing Scream.

Oh holy christ, “By The Sword” has Andrew Stockdale from Wolfmother (though since he’s the only original member now shouldn’t it just be the Andrew Stockdale Experience or something?).  If some of these song summaries sound like criticisms of the singers and not Slash himself I apologize, but since Slash isn’t singing I’m assuming he’s not writing lyrics either, so songs take on some of the personality of the singer singing them.  This is the first song where I don’t feel any of Slash’s presence at all.  It’s just Stockdale’s faux 70’s fantasy prog rock bullshit, which he busts out to mimic better bands rather than contribute his own ideas.  Just write about swords and sorcery with some fuzzboxes and you’ll have 20 something hipsters feeling nostalgia for a decade they were too young to experience in the first place.

It gets worse because the next song “Gotten” features Adam Levine from Maroon 5.  Because when I think of bad ass rock and roll, I think of Maroon 5!  This song is the tender love ballad with the acoustic guitars and swelling strings.  Y’know I actually like R&B, but I’ve never bought Adam Levine as some smooth sex machine all the ladies want.  Skinny dudes like Prince are considered sexy because Prince has an intensity and mystique that makes him alluring.  Adam Levine has all the intensity of a wet worm.

Hell fucking yes, Lemmy sings “Dr. Alibi”.  This is more like it.  This song roars and screams to life and feels like we’re back on track.  You don’t want Slash hanging out with limp dicks like Adam Levine, you want him hanging with grizzled bastards like Lemmy who bark more than they sing.  Of course Lemmy is god so he brings his A-game to this song.

“Watch This” isn’t a song per se, but an instrumental track between Dave Grohl on drums and Slash’s old GNR bandmate Duff McKagen on bass.  Slash basically noodles menacingly over their established beat for four minutes and it sounds pretty bad ass.  Why wasn’t the whole album just tracks like this?  By having a different singer for every track it becomes more of a showcase for them rather than Slash.  Slash says more as a musician in four minutes than he has on the last four songs.  We came for you Slash!  Not fucking Fergie!

“I Hold On” features Kid Rock trying to sing, which as you know is worse than hearing him try to rap.  Much like how I don’t buy Adam Levine being sexy, I don’t buy Kid Rock being sensitive.  Or talented.  Or capable of basic arithmetic.

“Nothing to Say” has a bad ass enough riff and Slash’s playing fits well enough over it.  This song is sung by M. Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold.  I usually don’t have many kinds words for A7X, but after Kid Rock I’ll take it.  At least Growly McScowlerson has the right idea.

“Starlight” is the second Myles Kennedy song and it’s another ballad.  Why are all these people making Slash go sensitive?  Slash’s playing is at it’s best when it’s being menacing and badass.  It’d be like Jack Bauer asking the terrorist politely where the nukes are.  “Now Achmed I’ve been very reasonable but you’ve been nothing but rude and unhelpful.  Al Qaeda will be getting a strongly worded letter from me after this.”

“Saint is a Sinner Too” is sung by Rocco DeLuca, and he’s the only singer where I didn’t know who the fuck he was.  As if I haven’t had enough ballads at this point, this one is mostly acoustic guitars and a fucking Wurlitzer.  Rocco’s vocals sound like James Blunt singing over an Enrico Morone soundtrack.

Oh Iggy Pop, thank god you’re here for “We’re All Gonna Die”.  If we can take half the singers on this fucking thing with us I’d be okay with that.  I know I’ve been making jokes about Slash teaming up with crazy singers but in the case of the good Mr. Pop I’ll take it.  This song actually has some grind and some “umph”, something sorely lacking in the previous songs and a good way to close out.

Final impressions?  I gotta ask, why wasn’t this just a Slash instrumental album?  I know he’s gotta make commercial concessions in order to get this stuff out on the market, but if you faff about with multiple singers like Santana did the musician’s personality gets lost in the mix.  Guys like Ozzy, Lemmy, and Iggy are great fits, but when you emphasis twats like Adam Levine it feels like you’re cutting the man’s balls off.

It’s good to see Slash going solo and I hope he does it again soon.  But I want to see him.  Not fucking Fergie!

My rating? Not very good.

Pop music’s been pretty gay for a while now, especially pop male stars.  Look up video of Elton John performing in a sequined baseball uniform at Dodger’s Stadium back in the 70’s if you don’t believe me.  Hell you could even go as far back as Liberace.  The funny part is female fans eat it up, and I do mean FUNNY because snarky assholes like me love to poke fun at this.

The fun poking isn’t as funny when we find out the singers are actually gay though.  The humor lies in the pop starts looking, dressing, and singing in an extremely gay way while still putting themselves out there for chicks.  When I was in high school I laughed my ass off at N’Sync with their frosted tips, faded denim, and sleeveless shirts dancing like they’re in A Chorus Line about how they’re gonna rock you girl, and I was straight up bewildered when girls actually went for it.

So when Lance Bass came out of the closet, I felt like an ass.  I was like “it’s not funny if you’re ACTUALLY gay!”  This is why we rightfully mock guys like Tom Cruise.  We don’t mock them because “oh ha ha, they’re secretly gay”.  We mock them because they act so obviously gay but still pretend they like chicks!  Tom Cruise has launched $100 million lawsuits against reporters that’ve claimed he’s gay.  Think about how strapped for cash you are in this recession.  And this guy is willing to invest nine figure sums just to prove to the world he likes chicks!  I’m straight-as-an-arrow but if I had to cough up $100 million to prove it, then point me to that prison shower because it ain’t worth it.

So naturally I felt like a shmuck when former American Idol poster boy Clay Aiken came out, because I made PLENTY of gay jokes about him.  I can still tease him for his crappy music and the OBVIOUS plastic surgery he’s had (nowdays his face looks like a Mission: Impossible mask), but not for the gay thing.

And since Adam Lambert has already come out of the closet, this puts him at a disadvantage.

I should state for the record I don’t really watch American Idol, at least not regularly.  Usually I tune in to see the freaks that show up for the early auditions and tune out after that, because like many on the internet I survive on Schadenfreude.  So I missed Lambert’s performances completely.  I even missed the recent show where he full on kissed one of his male backing dancers.  When I heard he’d been banned from Good Morning America the next day I knew he had his gold record in the bag, because nothing moves units like controversy.

And if any of you are debating whether he should’ve been banned or not, you’ve been caught in the publicity web.  Weep at the beauty and horror of it all.  Madonna would be proud.

Since I’ve also skipped the albums of every other American Idol winner this would make Lambert my first.  What I DO know about pop stars though is that they’re only as good as the people they work with, and Adam got a laundry list of producers for his debut.  This is par the course for pop star debuts though, and often it can lead to some painful moments while the artist tries to find their voice.  Don’t believe me?  Look up Avril Lavigne’s attempt at rap on her debut.  Ugh.

Opening track “Music Again” is written by former Darkness singer Justin Hawkins, digging himself up from the “Where Are They Now?” black hole to contribute a song.  I want to say this sounds like Queen, but it’s The Darkness so it sounds like The Darkness trying to SOUND like Queen.  And of top of that is Adam Lambert trying to sound like The Darkness trying to sound like Queen (I just got winded writing that).

“For Your Entertainment” is written by Katy Perry collaborator Dr. Luke (excuse me while I shake off douche chills of “Raditude”) and makes a pretty good manifesto for Adam Lambert’s sound.  Has a pretty good beat and chorus, not much to say other than that.

“Whataya Want From Me” is the first ballad, and the first track that feels kind of average.  Written by Pink and produced by pop music mogul Max Martin, it feels like something the latter could’ve sold to any pop star on the market and nobody would’ve been able to tell the difference.  Even has the sappy strings and anthemic chorus.  What-freaking-ever.

“Strut” is produced by American Idol’s non-crazy (and thus boring) female judge Kara DioGuardi, and it certainly lives up to it’s title with it’s insistent pounding beat.  Too bad there’s not much else to the song.  Not bad, but not very unique.  Right around here is where I see the filler starting to pile on.  Next time don’t let Bam Bam near your drum machine.

“Soaked” is written by none other than my beloved Matt Bellamy of Muse, and it sure lives up to his everything-and-the-kitchen-sink style.  Opens up with an orchestra, piano, and pounding guitars.  Since both Bellamy and Lambert are joined by their love of Queen, the grandiose production and singing is apt.  Lambert shows off his range here and I hate to admit I was impressed by his voice.  What can I say, the dude can sing.

“Sure Fire Winners” has more crunching guitars and synth beats.  When Lambert signs about his baby clothes “were leather and lace”, you can’t help but think he ain’t just whistling Dixie.  Rock guitars and synths seem Adam’s default at this point, not much to say.  Moving on.

“A Loaded Smile” is written by Linda Perry, who frequently collaborates with Pink and Christina Aguilera (actually isn’t this the same chord progression as “Beautiful”?  I swear to God).  Lambert is crooning over phased guitars and actual drums for once.  I dug the ambience and Adam can remain smooth even when not belting it out.  Nice change of pace.

“If I Had You” is another Max Martin piece with a beat straight off an NES console.  Like “Strut” it has a stupidly simple beat that insists upon itself.  Nothing special.

“Pick U Up” has a pretty good chorus and Adam belts it best he can.  I could make some mention about Rivers Cuomo of Weezer co-writing this song and how he seems to be ingratiating himself more in the mainstream pop world, but I can’t go there yet. That sitar from “Love is the Answer” still haunts my dreams…

“Fever” is written by Lady Gaga, and hoo boy does it sound like one of her songs, right down to the teasing innuendo laden lyrics.  That’s about all I can say about this one, it sounds like Adam Lambert singing a Lady Gaga song.  Take from that what you will.  Though I have to mention during the bridge I thought Christina Aguilera guested, but no that wail was Lambert’s!  He should get that checked.  Forget having sex with men, that shit’s unnatural!

“Sleepwalker” has really bad swelling synths that sound like they were played on a $100 Casio.  It gets real bad when the synth choir comes in.  I’m far from against synthesizers, but at least make them sound good.  Basic ballad stuff, next song.

“Aftermath” changes the pace by removing the synths and doing just a straight up rock song (unless you count the pitch-shifted guitar).  There’s even an acoustic guitar…albeit buried in the mix and sparsely heard.  Nice to remember that actual humans played this music occasionally.

“Broken Open” is pretty subdued, that term being relative to guys like Adam Lambert.  Basically a quiet piano ballad with some sprinkling of synths.  Doesn’t have a schmaltzy chorus like the Max Martin stuff thank god, so probably the best ballad on the album (next to Matt Bellamy’s song of course.  Ah Matt…)

Despite being the last song, “Time for Miracles” was actually the first single, and appeared on the 2012 soundtrack of all things.  So since this IS the single the schmaltz is upped to 11.  I can’t help but think of John Cusack speeding away from giant fireballs when I hear this (which oddly is exactly what the video is).

So final impressions?  I hate to admit it, but I actually liked a good portion of this record.  Lambert is genuinely talented and seems to have better vision than most American Idol winners.  Like most pop singers though, anything that’s not a single is pretty forgettable and this album does get bogged down in filler.  It might do him some good if he tightened up his list of producers instead of throwing stuff against the wall hoping it’ll stick.

I recommend having Matt Bellamy write all your songs.  That’ll make ANY album kick ass.  Then again when is that NOT true?

My rating?  Pretty good.

There’s a motherfucking sitar.  What the hell am I listening to?

I may be uniquely qualified to review Weezer’s new album “Raditude”.  Unlike a lot of people, I don’t have any romanticized notions about their first two records.  My introduction to the group was 2001’s “Green Album”, and I’m in the minority who thinks “Maladroit” is their best album.  While I thought it was okay I don’t crap myself over their self-titled debut and their so-called masterpiece “Pinkerton”, the latter I find rather unlistenable (though having drunk idiots in college singing along to “El Scorcho” didn’t help I suppose).

I also skipped their last album out of sheer disinterest.  “Make Believe” just didn’t have enough to grab me, and I didn’t particularly like the new wave moments on that record.  And this is coming from a guy whose favorite Rush album is “Power Windows”.

I will say the reason people seem to latch onto Weezer’s first two records apparently have an “honesty” to them that listeners feel isn’t on their records afterwards.  I can’t attest how much “honesty” goes into anybody’s records in the age of irony, but I can say I find Weezer’s lyrics halfway between overly whiny or knowingly trite.

Let’s see which side of the fence “Raditude” falls on.

Opening track “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To” opens with an upbeat acoustic guitar and drum beat, handclappingly so.  Lyrics are about being too nervous going out with a girl and wanting HER to make the first move (ladies, do it, this is a HUGE turn on).  This song fits frontman’s Rivers Cuomo’s usual lyrical M.O. of being shy and down on himself, but this time it’s pared with a rather peppy beat, rather than the trite chord bashing of “Beverly Hills”.

Well okay Weezer, you got my attention.  Let’s see what you got.

“I’m Your Daddy” has what sounds like a drum machine and an octave fuzz.  Did Weezer just do a dance song?  Why am I reminded of “I Was Made For Loving You” by Kiss?  The main riff isn’t bad, but the dance beat kinda kills it for me.  This track was co-written by Dr. Luke, who’s done a lot of work for female pop stars.  Why Weezer is aiming for Katy Perry’s audience I can’t say.  Maybe he should write a song about how gay U R.

“The Girl Got Hot” has some chord grinding and sing along vocals.  This is much more like it.  Lyrics are about Rivers meeting a girl he knew in junior high who grew up and “got hot”.  The Kiss references are starting to pile up, because this has Gene Simmons written all over it.

“Can’t Stop Partying” is another dance song featuring none other than Lil’ Wayne.  I tell ya there are few things as surreal as hearing Rivers Cuomo talking about heading to “da club”.  Even if sung ironically this doesn’t really work.  Lil’ Wayne sounds more natural when he comes in.  In fact, this seems much more like his song than Weezer’s.  I feel like I got grandfathered into a hip hop single on my rock album.

The rhythm of “Put Me Back Together” reminds me of “Now I’m Here” by Queen, but Rivers forgot the echo.  Features include big guitars and Rivers down on himself.  This is more what I expect.

“Trippin’ Down the Freeway” has more chord grinding.  Lyrics are about not giving on your relationship even though things are tough.  Two straight songs in Weezer’s classic format: bright, shiny, and not too whiny.  Okay, we’re back on track.

“Love Is The Answer” has a tabla, chanting, and a sitar.  A motherfucking sitar.  Clearly I spoke too soon.  Where the hell did this come from?  I’m confused.  What the fuck am I listening to?  For the love of God, NEXT TRACK!

“Let It All Hang Out” screeches in your ear from the start and heads right into it from the start.  Phew, just in time.  Lyrics are about leaving behind your stresses and having some fun.  Rivers makes some references to “homies” and “chillin” but there’s no more sitar so I’ll let that slide.

“In The Mall” was written by drummer Pat Wilson, making him the only band member other than Rivers or the producers to write a song.  That’s one thing about this album, I don’t sense the other band members that much.  Weezer has always been Cuomo’s band, but he and the producers fuck around so much on this record the others feel side-lined.  Cuomo is such a Beach Boys fan, maybe he finally made his “Pet Sounds”.  That would explain the fucking sitar.

I’m getting off message.  “In The Mall” has a mean riff and kind of a new wave feel, but not in a bad way.  Good contribution Pat.

“I Don’t Want To Let You Go” opens with an organ before adding a piano, and is Rivers in romantic mode again.  Guitars actually don’t factor in very heavily, aside from a clean guitar solo towards the end.  Kind of a soaring ballad, but it’s not over-produced.

In the end, I’m torn about “Raditude”.  Half of it is actually pretty solid rock songs, but the other half is filled with experiments that don’t really work.  I didn’t listen to the “Red Album” so I can’t say much about it, but I do know it didn’t even go Gold.  It feels like in their panic Weezer didn’t know what to do, so they decided to work with whomever they could and just threw everything against the wall hoping something would stick and get them a hit.

I can’t argue for Weezer’s “honesty”, but I do think they should just be themselves.  I have no clue who they are here.

My rating? Not very good.

Nickelback made me hate sex and I hope they’re proud of themselves.

I usually avoid Nickelback like the plague, and really can you blame me?  Back when I was in high school I ran the gamut of angsty rock music most teens at the beginning of the 21st century (Korn, Linkin Park, Evanescence, etc).  The thing with angst though is that while you express it most as a teenager, you have more reason to have it when you’re an adult, thus you tend to seek it out less.

So I started seeking out more music that was fun to listen to, and I certainly wouldn’t call Nickelback fun.  I’d call them lumbering, ham-fisted, misogynistic, and mean-spirited, the last of which I can’t forgive in any media I partake in.  Plus after reading his interview in Playboy magazine I’ve pretty much decided Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger IS the biggest douche on the planet.

I have, however, been morbidly fascinated by their recent record “Dark Horse” because it’s produced by Mutt Lange, a man who produced two of my favorite records: “Back in Black” by AC/DC and “Hysteria” by Def Leppard.  You see, in my search for music that was more fun to listen to, I stumbled onto 80’s metal.  Never fear, I have qualifiers when it comes to 80’s metal, so my record collection isn’t now filled with the complete catalogs of Poison, Slaughter, or The Vinnie Vincent Invasion.  It is however filled with a lot of Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, and Roth-era Van Halen.

If you’re looking for a mainline of fun in your earlobe, 80’s metal is the place to go.  And Mutt Lange’s produced some of the best.  Now the same tags I used to described Nickelback (lumbering, ham-fisted, misogynist) could easily apply to AC/DC or Def Leppard, but the difference is those bands aren’t mean-spirited.  In fact the sexism most 80’s metal bands were so known for was so over-the-top that nowadays it seems quaint rather than offensive.  It helped that these bands didn’t take themselves too seriously and set out to just make some pureless mindless fun.

Nickelback is certainly mindless.  Fun?  Not so much.

First off on “Dark Horse” is “Something in Your Mouth”, a charming song about a stripper who gets big tips where she dances because all the guys love her “oral fixation”.  In the song that equals constantly sucking on her thumb, but the double entendre is so thick that cops would wear it under their uniforms to protect themselves from gunfire.

It’s in this first song you see Mutt Lange’s influence, particularly in the lyrics.  The bands Lange produces are known for their songs about hard-lived women all the guys want, something Nickelback was doing already so hey, off to a good start right?  But minus a few squealies and double-tracked vocals they pair it up with Nickelback’s game lumbering rhythms and leaden pace.  I frankly don’t feel like having a big dumb Kaunck with a record contract yelling in my ear about some whore he met.

Next up is “Burn It To The Ground”, which is about getting drunk on whiskey and partying so hard you…well, you know.  I’m not being snarky when I say I thought there was a mistake and I’d just keyed up the first track again, but no this was a different song apparently.  Nevermind it had the same drum beat, similar vocal melody, hell it almost has the same running time.  Suddenly “How You Remind Me of Someday” seemed all the more potent.

“Gotta Be Somebody” thankfully has a different vocal melody (if not a different drum beat), but sadly it’s Nickelback in ballad more, something arguably worse than Nickelback in party rock mode.  I’m glad I don’t listen to rock radio much in my car anymore because I developed pretty swift station-changing reflexes when “Photograph” off Nickelback’s previous record came on, and this song makes me want to see if I can beat my old time of 0.2 seconds.  Lyrics are about Kroeger singing how “there’s gotta be somebody for me out there”, which after singing about drinking and strippers seems a bit insincere.  Last time I checked doesn’t Kroeger have a girlfriend?  Nay a fiancee?  Dude, just go back to your house, she’s right there.

Track four is “I’d Come for You”.  Sheesh, four songs in and we already had two entendres in the title.  At least Spinal Tap was direct with titles like “Big Bottom” or “Sex Farm”.  Another maudlin ballad, not much to say.

“Next Go Round” has kind of a gritty intro, which “Something In Your Mouth” also had.  This very quickly fell back into lumbering mode, so any hope I had about something different was quickly dashed on both occasions.  Way to not surprise your critics guys.  I wish I could tell you what this song is about but I couldn’t understand what the fuck Kroeger was saying and didn’t care enough to look up the lyrics.

“Just to Get High” at least has a more direct title, but it doesn’t go the direction you think.  Rather this is Kroeger’s ode to a friend who got strung out on drugs, and warns people AGAINST getting high.  If only if he’d switched from needles to whiskey shots then Kroeger would be singing his praises.  To quote Bill Hicks (though he meant it sarcastically): “It’s okay to drink your drug”.

“Never Gonna Be Alone” is another ballad.  Sheesh these guys are like the Canadian metal version of Air Supply.  The acoustic guitars fade to the electric ones at the exact moment you expect them to, moving on.

“Shakin’ Hands” has another gritty intro that gives me false hope for something different, and this time it fights the lumbering riffs during the verses for dominance, like a new idea or subtlety was trying to assert itself but was quickly squashed.  Lyrics are about whores.  At least Nickelback supports capitalism.  I’m almost positive they use the same wah solo from Track 2.

Now we have the most direct title yet: “S.E.X.”.  Yes, Nickelback has finally decided to LITERALLY spell it out for you.  According to the chorus “Sex is always the answer”.  Apparently it’s your only lyrical inspiration too Chad.  You’ve ruined sex for me.  I hope you’re proud of yourself.

The chorus effect on the opening chord of “If Today Was Your Last Day” reminded me of “Rooster” by Alice in Chains, doing nothing but reminding me of what I COULD be listening to.  Lyrics are about a friend telling you to live life to your fullest, like I needed these shmucks to tell me.  Apparently this means sleeping with lots of whores to Chad, since he writes so many songs about them.  Catching a dangerous venereal disease sure makes a guy count his blessings.

“This Afternoon”, the last song, opens with laughter.  I want to say they’re laughing at you for buying this shit, but like Michael Bay they’re being sincere so the jokes on everyone involved.  Actually this song is an upbeat acoustic ditty about hanging out with your friends and smoking pot all day.  So booze and pot are okay, but not whatever stuff you were chastising your friend for using on track 6?  I certainly don’t think pot is as bad as coke or heroin, but that’s like telling somebody not to eat McDonald’s and then going to Burger King.  Both are gonna kill you eventually, especially in large doses.

This is pretty much what Nickelback’s songs come down to.  They’re either ballads trying to teach you life lessons, or lumbering rockers about bangin’ some hoes after the show.  You can call their catalog balanced because one type of song makes the other seem less sincere.  I’d be more into their songs about partying and sex (what all good rock is about) if they didn’t seem so damned boring.  And after listening to them I CERTAINLY don’t want to take any life lessons from this tool and his band of fools.

To say I don’t see the appeal of Nickelback would be an understatement.  And to say I don’t know how they’ve sold so many records would be further understatementing.  I don’t blame labels for putting this out, and I don’t blame people for buying it.  Dumb lunkheads are gonna be making records and selling them in droves at Wal-Mart long after I’m gone.  But when I think about how many bands with interesting songs and things to say get ignored in favor of safe pandering crap like this, I can’t help but bang my head against the wall.

My only solace is that this album hasn’t sold as much as their previous record “All the Right Reasons”, which almost went Diamond in the US for Christ’s sake.  But still, selling two million copies is like selling twenty million in today’s shitty record market.  It’s a shame Mutt Lange decided not to bring his fun with him.

Maybe Shania Twain got it in the divorce.

My rating?  Fucking Awful.

Ratings:
5 – Really Good
4 – Pretty Good
3 – Good
2 – Not Very Good
1 – Fucking Awful